This weekend has been full of me texting people like crazy,
making plans, then watching them fall through. It sucked. All my life I’ve
struggled with the sometimes- gift- sometimes- flaw of wanting a true,
meaningful connection with everyone
in my life. This is how my Creator wired me. My heart is most full when I’ve
gotten off the phone with my best friend for 3+ hours talking about everything
under the sun. Or when I meet with my small group and we’re totally connecting
with whatever we’re studying and with each other. Or when I have dinner with a
woman so full of wisdom and I get to bare my soul to her and she just pours into me. My most fulfilling
moments involve other people. It took me almost 21 years to stop
(unsuccessfully) forcing myself to live autonomously, and realize that it was
100% part of God’s will for me to be part of a crowd. His kingdom.
Coming into this knowledge has been amazing for me. I can be
myself in Christ and I honestly can’t begin to tell you how incredibly freeing
and fulfilling that is.
But then I have weekends like the one I just experienced and
I’m left feeling so empty. I’ve put
all this energy and effort into regrouping after a stressful work week with the
people that I love and care about the most. Yet, I feel like I’ve gotten very
little in return. Life happens. Plans are cancelled sometimes for one reason or
another. But when cancelled plans or unanswered text messages leave me feeling
like I’ve missed out on something vital to my happiness, there is actually a
much bigger- much deeper connection that I’m craving.
One of my favorite quotes says, “Whenever I’m feeling lonely,
I know that it is God calling me to fellowship with Him.” This quote proves to be
so incredibly true. There is a longing that I walk around with to belong. To be intimate. To really connect. Weekends like this one
serve as reminders that I can only satisfy that longing with fellowship with
the One who created me. Intimacy with God brings the satisfaction of having someone
show you that time spent with you is all they ever want. Time spent with you is
literally something that God wants all day, every single day. He constantly
desires for you to ask Him for His input, He’s constantly with you, He’s
constantly speaking to you.
This kind of relationship with any human being would be
draining and unhealthy. But what’s amazing is that every single encounter that
you have with the Holy Spirit builds you up. It leaves you with more joy, more security,
more peace, more strength. It leaves you with the most fulfilling connection
you will ever experience.
